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A constant work-in-progress

Gilbert Goh reflects on his marriage and the divorce rate in S’pore.

Published

15 years ago

on

Gilbert Goh

One in three marriages break up in our country and the situation does not look like it’s going to improve. Many friends around me have also thrown in the marital towel and are on their own now licking their wounds. So what happened here?

In fact, many people have suggested to me that keeping a marriage alive is like running a marathon. You have to put in a lot of effort and energy to maintain the relationship and like in a marathon, many feel like giving up half way as it is both tiring and painful. Having ran several marathons before, I can empathise with them.

Of course, I have seen some friends who to me have the perfect marriages. They respect each other’s viewpoints, hardly quarrel and tend to blend themselves into one symphony. You can see that they have learnt to accept one another’s differences and never impose their views on the other person. However, it is increasingly difficult to spot such model marriages. They are examples to be emulated.

After reading many self help books on enhancing marriage from John Grey’s “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” to “The Five Love Languages” by Dr Gary Chapmen, I realized that there are not many books written on such a topic from an Asian perspective. There are obviously vast differences on how the Westerners will treat their spouses from their Asian ones.

Saving face!

For example, Asian men tend to keep their marital problems to themselves as compared to Westerners. This is why many Asian husbands fail to seek help when their marriages are suffering as compared to the Western ones. The face saving gesture of many Asian husbands may prove to be the reason why counselors are only seeing women in marital distress. Men, given the choice, will not want to disclose their problems to a stranger. It is seen as humiliating and some would rather end the marriage than seeking help to save it. Such is the destructive power of saving face!

In his infamous book, “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus”, Dr John Gray reiterated that wives and husbands are all so different on how they think and approach issues in life. Failing to understand our partner’s differences may have contributed greatly to a lot of conflict at home and ultimately a failed marriage. Of course, knowing all the right stuff but not doing much about it also is not helpful here.

Paradoxically, it is the opposite characteristics which irked us that may have also attracted us to our partners in the first place. Opposites attract but they also repel! How can we continue to be attracted by our partner’s opposites and yet stay sober when they begin to test our patience? Some form of similar likings are also crucial for the wellbeing of any relationship.

Stressful environment

If both parties carry out their own activities too much during their leisure time, then there will be a big vacuum in the marriage as couples can only get together when they do things that they both enjoy. Trying to find time to do things together may prove crucial for the wellbeing of most marriages.

Our stressful work environment coupled with a lack of personal space and time to destress properly have contributed to a worsening marital situation. Married people belonging to the sandwiched generation have got the worse package as they have to handle needs from their own ageing parents/parents-in-laws plus looking after their young children. It is not surprising that marriages belonging to the age group of 40-49 have registered the highest divorce rates.

In terms of communication, Asian couples have much to learn from their Western counterparts. We all fail to communicate properly and perhaps our mastery of the English language may be at fault here. I find that Asians tend not to confront and talk over issues with their partners when there is something amiss in their relationship.

We are all taught from young not to argue against our parents and authorities and this conditioned behaviour is brought into our own marriage. The marriage tends to take in a lot of misgivings for a long while before they decide to talk it out with one another. Some wait until it is too late before they decide to thrash it out in front of a counsellor. Their reason? They are reluctant to spill their hearts out to a stranger. They want to save face!

Trust me, it takes super human effort to balance out the distribution of equal attention to our loved ones here. Some simply walk away from their homes as they face tremendous amount of stress especially when they face prolonged unemployment on the work front.

Thus, it is not surprising that our young people views marriage with disdain and some have even put off walking down the aisle altogether, adding to a worsening national childbirth problem.

Two hands to clap

Having being married for 16 years and constantly finding ways to enhance our marriage despite the regular ups and downs, mine is not a perfect marriage and can never be.

In fact, I have struggled in my marriage for many years and we have been through a very rough patches together, like many other married couples. Careers, children and differences have all contributed to a deep wedge in our relationship. We are also undergoing marital counselling now to resolve the issues we are facing in our married life.

We marry someone whom we thought wass our ideal partner but the person may change along the years. How we react to such changes is also important as it may mean a psychological acceptance or rejection of our soul mate. Personally, I have this problem as I find it difficult to accept my wife who goes through a career upswing five years into our marriage. She became ambitious and career minded – very much different from the simple-minded, contented woman that I know before marriage. It took me many years before I could accept that she is more intelligent and capable than I am! Speaking of male ego here…a big deterrance for Asian marriages!

We managed to agree to work through the marriage together and so far we are moving on fine. When two people decide to take concrete steps to enhance the relationship, there is a big chance that it will work compared to one that only has one party wanting to salvage the marriage. It takes two to clap.

Of course, ours is not a perfect marriage still and there are the frequent squabbles over where to go during weekends and what food to buy for dinner. However, for me, I guess that the worse is over for us now. We are hopefully in the process of rebuilding our relationship from now on.

Unless two hands clap vigorously together in a marriage, any good relationship can only go downhill after long periods of neglect and stress.

—–

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Indonesia

Miss Universe cuts ties with Indonesia chapter after harassment allegations

The Miss Universe Organization severs ties with Indonesia franchise due to harassment claims. Malaysia edition canceled.

Women allege body checks before pageant. Investigation launched. Safety prioritized.

Indonesia winner to compete in November finale. Height requirement controversy.

Published

1 year ago

on

14 August 2023

By

WASHINGTON, UNITED STATES — The Miss Universe Organization has cut ties with its Indonesia franchise, it announced days after allegations of sexual harassment, and will cancel an upcoming Malaysia edition.

In the complaint, more than a half dozen women said all 30 finalists for Miss Universe Indonesia were unexpectedly asked to strip for a supposed body check for scars and cellulite two days before the pageant’s crowning ceremony in Jakarta.

Their lawyer said Tuesday that five of the women had their pictures taken.

“In light of what we have learned took place at Miss Universe Indonesia, it has become clear that this franchise has not lived up to our brand standards, ethics, or expectations,” the US-based Miss Universe Organization posted Saturday night on social media site X, formerly known as Twitter.

It said that it had “decided to terminate the relationship with its current franchise in Indonesia, PT Capella Swastika Karya, and its National Director, Poppy Capella.”

It thanked the contestants for their bravery in coming forward and added that “providing a safe place for women” was the organization’s priority.

Jakarta police spokesman Trunoyudo Wisnu Andiko said Tuesday that an investigation into the women’s complaint has been launched.

The Indonesia franchise also holds the license for Miss Universe Malaysia, where there will no longer be a competition this year, according to the New York-based parent organizer.

In a lengthy statement posted to Instagram, Indonesia franchise director Capella denied involvement in any body checks.

“I, as the National Director and as the owner of the Miss Universe Indonesia license, was not involved at all and have never known, ordered, requested or allowed anyone who played a role and participated in the process of organizing Miss Universe Indonesia 2023 to commit violence or sexual harassment through body checking,” she wrote.

She added that she is against “any form of violence or sexual harassment.”

The Jakarta competition was held from 29 July to 3 August to choose Indonesia’s representative to the 2023 Miss Universe contest, and was won by Fabienne Nicole Groeneveld.

Miss Universe said it would make arrangements for her to compete in the finale, scheduled for November in El Salvador.

This year’s Indonesia pageant also came under fire for announcing a “significant change in this (year’s) competition guidelines” with the elimination of its minimum height requirement after it had crowned a winner.

In its statement, the Miss Universe Organization said it wanted to “make it extremely clear that there are no measurements such as height, weight, or body dimensions required to join a Miss Universe pageant worldwide.”

— AFP

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Malaysia

A Perodua service centre in Kuantan, Malaysia went viral for its strict dress code, Perodua responds

A dress code for vehicle servicing? A Malaysian car brand’s service centre dress code signage has puzzled netizens, raising queries about the need for attire rules during a routine service.

The manufacturer responded with an official statement after a flurry of comments, seeking to clarify and apologize.

Published

1 year ago

on

10 August 2023

By

MALAYSIA: A dress code signage positioned at a service centre belonging to a prominent Malaysian car brand has sparked bewilderment among Malaysian netizens, who question the necessity of adhering to attire guidelines for a simple vehicle servicing.

The signage explicitly delineates clothing items that are deemed unsuitable, including sleeveless tops, short skirts, abbreviated pants, and distressed jeans.

The car manufacturer swiftly found itself flooded with comments from both inquisitive and irked Malaysian netizens. This surge in online activity prompted the company to issue an official statement aimed at clarifying the situation and extending an apology.

In a post that gained significant traction on the social media platform, politician Quek Tai Seong of Pahang State, Malaysia, shared an image to Facebook on Monday (7 Aug).

The image showcased a dress code sign prominently displayed at a Perodua Service Centre in Kuantan. Within the post, Quek posed the question: “Is this dress code applicable nationwide, or is it specific to this branch?”

The signage reads, “All customers dealing with Perodua Service Kuantan 1, Semambu, are requested to dress modestly and appropriately.”

Adding visual clarity to these guidelines, the sign features illustrative graphics that explicitly outline clothing items deemed unacceptable, including sleeveless tops, short skirts, short pants, and ripped jeans.

Delineating the specifics of the dress code, the signage stipulates that male visitors are expected to don shirts accompanied by neckties, opt for long pants, and wear closed shoes.

Conversely, female visitors are advised to don long-sleeved shirts, full-length skirts, and closed-toe footwear.

Perodua’s dress code sparks online uproar

Following the rapid spread of the post, Perodua’s official Facebook page found itself inundated with comments from both intrigued and frustrated Malaysian netizens, all seeking clarifications about the newly surfaced dress code policy.

Amidst the flurry of comments, numerous incensed netizens posed pointed questions such as, “What is the rationale behind the introduction of such regulations by the management? We demand an explanation.”

Another netizen expressed their dissatisfaction, arguing against the necessity of the rule and urging Perodua to take inspiration from the practices of other 4S (Sales, Service, Spare Parts, and Survey) automotive dealerships.

A concerned Facebook user chimed in, advocating for a more lenient stance, asserting that attempting to dictate customers’ clothing choices might not be in the company’s best interest.

Someone also commented in an angry tone, “Oi what is this? Going there for car service, not interview or working, right.”

As the discourse unfolded, it became evident that while some inquiries carried genuine weight, others chose to inject humor into the situation, playfully remarking, “If I wanted to buy a Myvi, I should buy or rent a formal attire first.”

“I sell economy rice at a hawker centre, I have never worn a long sleeve shirt and a tie… I guess I will not buy a Perodua car then.”

“I guess they will not serve those who wear short pants.”

Perodua addresses dress code controversy

As reported by Chinese media outlet Sin Chew Daily News, the manager of Kuantan’s Perodua Service Centre had acknowledged that the images on the dress code signage were misleading.

In response, the manager divulged that discussions had transpired with the head office, leading to the prompt removal of the signage to prevent any further misconceptions.

The manager clarifies, “We do encourage visitors to adhere to the dress etiquette, but we won’t go to the extent of restricting their choice of attire.”

He also revealed that currently, no complaints have been directly received from the public.

However, feedback from certain customers was relayed through Perodua’s agents.

Perodua also released an official statement by chief operating officer JK Rozman Jaffar on Wednesday (9 Aug) regarding the dress code on their official Facebook page.

The statement stated the dress code etiquette is not aligned with their official guidelines and they are currently conducting an official investigation on the matter followed by corrective measures to avoid the same incident from happening.

Perodua also extends its apologies for any inconvenience caused.

 

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