By 
By The Kentang
Singapore students will now be ranked according to their monetary value each month
Keeping in line with Singapore‘s goal to extract maximum value from every Singaporean Student, the Ministry of Emulation has drafted a new scheme that is remarkable for its innovativeness in the number of buzzwords it manages to employ. The Kentang interviewed Mr. Vivobioluptous Hopkins Fan, Chief Executive Officer of the Ministry of Emulation.
“Basically, we have to value our students in a new way, one that is free from colonial concepts such as ‘marks’ and grades’; a mindset that will better address our multi-cultural, Asian-valued, Uniquely Singaporean paradigm while still allowing us access to the developing global economy,” began Mr. Fan.
Singaporean Students will now be ranked according to their monetary value each month, to reflect their potential value to Singapore‘s community at large. This will begin at a negative value, since a Singaporean at the Primary One level has taken in resources to be educated while potentially achieving little.
However, once the Singaporean has been streamed and categorised, the monetary value can increase exponentially. EM1 students, primed to go to top secondary schools, junior colleges, and exotic educational programs, are usually valued between SGD4000 – SGD8000 a month, depending on academic performance.
“The impact this scheme will have is tremendous,” claims Mr. Fan. “Most importantly, the phrase ‘value-added’ will finally have meaning when applied to educational institutions: it will reflect the increase in net worth of the school.” Additional benefits from this scheme include: being able to rank Schools by net worth, to give parents an easy idea of where to send their children; Assisting Scholarship boards by allowing them access to the overall monetary value of a student, as well as an easily interpreted chart of the changes in the students value, to choose not only those that can do well in the exams, but those that do well consistently.
“All things considered, I think we have the most creative educational solution to address our community that obsessively ranks all things in terms of economic value, including arts, foreigners, and heterosexual procreation,” concludes Mr. Fan.
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The above is fictional and is meant only for lighthearted reading.