Sunday, 1 October 2023

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Parliamentary pageantry: A satirical forecast of an upcoming session

by Martyn See

Here’s how the script will likely be written for the upcoming parliamentary session.


K. Shanmugam will gloat about how he had followed all procedures and had not put a foot wrong. He will rub it in the faces of his critics.

He must do this as a clarion call for his People’s Action Party (PAP) online trolls and shadowy goons to step up the intimidation, disruption and discrediting of “oppie forces”, particularly targeting Kenneth Jeyaretnam, and thereby creating a chilling effect on all discussions on Ridout.

Vivian Balakrishnan will take a different and softer trajectory.

He will be “humbled” by the whole investigation and will pledge to work harder to be more upfront about such matters.

He may shed a tear or pause to make some convulsion of choked emotion. Vivian’s performance will be more important than Shan’s.

He will attempt to win back the PAP supporters who had lost some trust over this Ridout matter. This is a crucial component of any gaslighting process – to offer a sweetener to heal the trauma (so that the cycle can repeat itself in the future).

Teo Chee Hean will follow through on Shanmugam’s gloat. He will congratulate himself and the PAP – that “the highest standards of integrity” had been adhered to.

Edwin Tong will then follow through on Vivian’s pledges. He acknowledges that certain procedures could be tightened to ensure such public outcry will never happen again.

There will be no offer from Shanmugam or Vivian to make any restitutions whatsoever. No offer to compensate rental according to the current market rate; no offer to terminate the lease. Doing so will only invite accusations of a guilty conscience.

Near the end of the day, PAP MPs will throw softball questions whereby the proceedings will be halted by Speaker Tan Chuan Jin, who declares that enough time has been spent on this personal matter and that Parliament will move on to more pressing national issues the next day.

Parliamentarians will exit wearing nonchalant expressions. Just another day in the office.
26 and 31 Ridout Road

Shanmugam and Vivian’s cars will drive by their respective Gurkha guardhouses into their mansions.

They will enjoy sumptuous dinners prepared by their wives and maids. Their children will share some jokes and laughter reverberates – without the rustling of trees, the hissing of snakes and the buzzing of mosquitoes.

The End.

This was first published on Martyn See’s Facebook page and reproduced with permission.

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