Singapore, 1 September 2010 – It is widely expected that Ris Low – God’s gift to the local comedy scene, will be called up soon by the Police to clarify her definition of the word ‘boomz’. An outside source who spoke to TOC on the condition of anonymity – to protect himself from being mentioned in the same breath of Ris Low thereby rendering him incapable of having a reputation to speak of – said that the recent cases involving citizens who commented in their personal capacity being hauled up to give statements and issue apologies should warrant the immediate investigation of Ri Slow’s [sic] incoherent ramblings.
Noting that she had additionally used her hands to gesticulate an explosion when uttering the word ‘boomz’ (see image below) – making her outburst much more serious than the ‘burn thy minister’ utterance by Abdul Malik last week, the source suggested that she might even be asked to produce documentary evidence of the hospital-lality course she has publically claimed to be enrolled in.
It is unclear if Ris Low will wear ‘lepard preenz’ or a ‘bigini’ to the Police station but in either case, our source says that she can expect to be there for a considerable bit (thus making her feel like a ‘zipbra‘ in the zoo) due to the fact that she would be asked to spell out her utterances – something which she is clearly not familiar with, ‘shingz’.
If charged, TOC understands that the offence will be under Section 322 of the Penal Code – Voluntarily Causing Grevious Hurt – on account of the irrecoverable damage she has inflicted on countless Singaporeans’ intellect as well as the unquantifiable number of stomach cramps and side stitches due to excessively laughing out loud (in some cases, rolling on floor as well).
Voluntarily Causing Grievous Hurt
322. Whoever voluntarily causes hurt, if the hurt which he intends to cause or knows himself to be likely to cause is grievous hurt, and if the hurt which he causes is grievous hurt, is said “voluntarily to cause grievous hurt”.
Lawyers to whom TOC spoke to (who may or may not have obtained their credentials from established Degree Mills) suggested that there might even be a case for treason since it is without doubt that an entire nation’s image has been unilaterally destroyed by her personification of Singapore culture.
Ris Low, who currently assumes the title of Singapore’s most famous unintentional comedian, could not be reached for comment – possibly due to the fact that TOC titled the email ‘Please read this’ which would likely mean that she would have only read the subject header and nothing further.
Last Known Definitions
Boomz – reportedly “something that is loud, something that is strong, and something that has an effect on people”
Shingz – ‘Shucks’ or ‘Whatever’ (can replace the word ‘f**k’)
Bigini – adapted version of the word ‘bikini’
Lepard Preenz – adapted version of ‘leopard prints’
Zipbra – believed to be a recently discovered species of zebra